(a few) Mistakes Men Make (and don't realize)

I have been thinking about doing a blog like this for a while. Then the other day , I came across this big blog (which will remain nameless), that is specifically written from a man's perspective. This blog has several authors, some of them single, often offering dating advice. Mostly, what I read on their site I think is total bullshit. Especially when it came to reading their dating mistakes. Did they even talk to women to get their opinion on the subject? What makes you think you know what a woman wants? You. Are. A. Man. You are worse than cosmo which consistently and relentlessly tells a woman that the key to any good relationship is a bikini wax and this new level five kama sutra move.

So here is (the beginning of) my take on guy's dating mistakes. Taken from empirical evidence. Feel free to add to the list, I know I will.

1. "I don't dance."

Scene: Bar. Music. People slightly buzzed. Girl approaches boy. Touches his arm. Playfully asks him to dance while (most likely) smiling and, at least attempting to give him "the look." Boy, hesitates, begins thinking about touching her hip and getting close to her on the dance floor. Gets a little excited about the possibility of a close proximity of body bumping. Responds: "Uh... I don't dance."

Reality: Boy tells girl he doesn't dance because he is afraid of how he will look. (Duh.)

Flash forward to same girl. Same guy. Same attraction and flirty innuendos. Girl sees you dancing with another girl.

Yes, maybe you are embarrassed by your moves on the dance floor. And maybe now you have had a sufficient number of drinks to be brave. Maybe she will understand that you need to be drunk to dance, but it's still kinda offensive to turn down a girl to dance when you are interested in her. In fact, this just makes me think a guy is not interested in me whatsoever. Also, I can't think of any girl who has ever stopped being interested in a guy because of his moves on the floor. In all honestly, it might be bad, but I'm sure it's not that bad. And often times when you already like a guy, anything dorky he does, like dancing, is just endearing and not embarrassing.

Tip: Instead of turning the girl down, why don't you be playful and admit you don't know how to dance than say, "I'll only dance with you if you teach me how." If she's interested in you, she will take you up on this challenge.

2. Waiting 15-20 minutes to respond to EVERY text. EVER.

Really? Swingers was literally over a decade ago. Get over the three-day-rule; 15-minute-texting rule. If you are like most guys of this up-and-coming generation, than you prefer to peruse relationships through text messages. (I disagree with this and wonder all the time, why can't a guy just pick up the damn phone.) Fine. I will give you whatever level of comfortableness you need in order to get to know a girl better. (But I don't have to love it.) However, if this is your chosen route, it is really hard to get into a good grove of texting conversation when you only respond every 15-20 minutes. Sure, maybe you legitimately have something going on. Well then, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to all the seemingly too-cool guys out there. Stop. If you can't even give me consistently a few minutes of texting time, then you are not worth my time.

3. Who taught you that move? =dealbreaker

When I was in college I didn't really pay attention to the lack of creativity or lack of a man's balls to just make a move. But the next time a guy uses the move of a) asserting his manliness and showing me how big and strong he is; and b) needing an excuse to touch me and hope that it will lead to something, I am going to call dealbreaker. What move am I talking about, you ask? The good ol' "let me show her some self-defense move." Reaallly. Because I need you to show me, the damsel in distress, how to take care of myself. Did I ask for you karate-self-defense moves? No. Do I want you to show me how easy it is for you to hold me down or choke me? Hell no.

4. Phone calls.

When a guy says he will call and doesn't. Too easy? Of course there is a point in every relationship where a boyfriend doesn't always have to call back or call right when he says so. This is about relationships that are just beginning to form. No this isn't about being that girl waiting by the phone, hoping a guy will call or about being a perfectionist and bitching about every little slip up. This is about being important enough for a guy to call you when he says he will call. Bottom line. In this particular day and age with texting and chatting being so much of the social interaction, which isn't face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, a phone call seems to mean more than it once did. Which can lead to an even greater disappointment for a girl when they guy decides he won't call. Key word: decide. Because that's what it comes off as. What made him change his mind? What made him decide not to call? I hate to get all 'He's just not that into you' but, if you were on his mind, wouldn't he remember to call? So that's how it's viewed. That's where disappointment stems from: the thought that it was a conscious decision not to call.

5. You know what I want in bed.

You don't. Don't assume. Ask. And pay attention to where I'm moving your hands. Or how my body shakes when you do something right. Body Language! Also, you don't know anything about vibrators. It's not just the vibration that makes it more intense. It's the fact that I can play out my own fantasy, it's about the fact that I'm with someone who knows exactly what I want--me. Listen to my body, and when in doubt ASK. There is something very attractive about a man who is open to learning what exactly it is that will bring me pleasure.

6. Confusing "I'm busy" with "I'm not interested."

You either hit on a girl because you think she is interested or because you are interested in her. If it's the former, listen to your instincts. Maybe she really is busy. People do things and have busy lives, it's very plausible. Don't act so butt-hurt because she can't/refuses to change her life around you for some guy she doesn't know. Be patient. Ask her to make you an offer; if she's interested she will.

a single girl's pledge

Time to time I am forced to reevaluate my self-imposed relationship rules. Whether by opportunity or by choice, reevaluating give me the chance to qualify the most recent circumstances in my life and also gives me a chance to see where I stand with myself.

I have never been the type of girl to be in a relationship just for the sake of not being single. I LOVE being single. I like having my big bed to myself every night of the week and unless it's with my pillow, I don't like cuddling all night long. I believe the secret to a great long-lasting marriage is separate rooms (or at least separate beds).

It took me until my mid-twenties to be comfortable with the word boyfriend. It took me until my senior year of college to not freak out when a guy wanted to hold my hand. And it took me until my twenty-fifth year to realize that I will not enter another relationship unless you can exceed my expectations.

I am the type of forward girl who will let a guy know exactly what I want and expect from him. No grey areas. If I want to be in a relationship with you, I'm going to let you know before anything major happens. Of course, the negative converse of this, is that if I don't bring up the relationship question, than well, I don't consider you boyfriend material. I mean, I'm sure you're good for someone else...

What does this mean? This means that although I might entertain the idea of casually dating you, I make a very distinct line between boyfriend material and non-boyfriend material. And even my non-boyfriend material type of guy has high standards.

For me, that means I don't mind having date nights with my 'mos and Bill Maher. It means going out and enjoying myself and not worrying about if my guy will get jealous because I like to dance. It means not playing games, but being honest and fun loving. It means not worrying what some dude is going to think if I do or do not act a certain way around him. It means my happiness is dependent on myself, not someone else. For me, being single and not settling means having some of the best sex I've ever had ---with myself.

For all you taken people, here's a glass to you. Here's for not settling and being with an amazing person who treats you right and gives you what you deserve.

For the rest of us, join me in my pledge to honor and respect ourselves. To not settle for less than we deserve.

Here is my pledge to remain single unless you can exceed my expectations. I dare you.

long run vs. short run happiness

I am at that age where my cost benefit analysis of happiness is focused on maximizing long term performance outputs.

Lately, though, I’m wondering if I am just living in the future.

And is living in the future any way to live?

How is my focus affecting my short term happiness?

I wonder....

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have low risk aversion on short term happiness when I am unsure of future outcomes. Strange. I would expect that my risk aversion would positively increase with a higher uncertainty of return.

So can I trick myself into being unsure about future outputs in order to “live” more?

In order to fully answer this question, I feel like I need to understand why I am focusing on my long run happiness instead of short run.

Is it because I think I’m going to live a long time?

Is an underlining assumption that I am going to find ‘the one’ later on in life?

Is focusing on short run happiness or long run happiness better than the other?

To me, it seems that short run is (oviously) fleeting. I also feel like short run is more unstable. There’s not much of an investment, so there’s not much of a return. Or so I think. I know this isn’t true. I know that any investments into short run happiness can return as much, if not more, than long term investment.

Additionally,

And where are these long term investments leading me.... to the ghosts of sunk costs.

Let’s say I was laying groundwork for a good stable relationship over the past year. It is day 366 and I am looking at my happiness return. Is that right to expect returns on my happiness based on my emotional investment over the past year?

Let’s assume that I am not happy on day 366 with my investment return. Then day 1-365 is just a sunk cost. That sunk cost motherfucker.

Now, let’s assume that I am happy (or satisfied) on day 366 with my return of putting one year into the relationship. Than day 1-365 is not a sunk cost. Of course the obvious answer to this, is to keep investing until the return is no longer sufficient or greater than my perceived investment. But by investing in the long-run I am assuming an expected pay off. What if there is no pay off?

Where is all this leading? Short run, long run? Middle run?

I can only conclude that I should focus on short term happiness. Because I am never going to know when my emotional investment and time is going to bite me in the ass and become a sunk cost.

"Humans are cowards in the face of happiness."

defying gravity.

I keep saying I am not going to make the same mistakes anymore. I am twenty-six years old for goodness sakes, and a month away from twenty-seven and ghastly approaching thirty.

Mistake after mistake after mistake. And then I realized I will probably look at everything until I meet ‘the one’ (or the first one) as a mistake.

Isn’t there an easier way?

It’s easy to look back at a situation and qualify where things went wrong (at least for me I have the compulsive need to qualify). I want to be free and make no well thought out decisions. I want to throw logic out the door and let feelings lead the way. I want to be impulsive. Instead, based on past experiences I make self-imposed rules/barriers in order to minimize relationship suckiness and exposure to douchebags.

History tells me that impulsiveness is not often rewarded (or its reward are perceived as so much more fleeting). So I:

1. Decide what I want.

2. Look at the pros and cons, way the expected outcomes (his wants vs. my wants) and see if it is worth the risk.

3a. Go after what I want or

3b. Decided it’s not worth the risk or time. Or change my mind. Bottom line: move on. Start from scratch. (I’ll pretty much be over it five minutes later.)

And here’s the kicker. As someone who was raised by one pessimist (and as someone who has dated less than stellar dudes), I always picture (near) worse possible outcomes. I’d like to say I do this to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Only, if I’m being really honest with myself when it comes to personal relationships, I’m not so good at hoping for the best. As endings go, it’s really just so much easier to paint every guy asshole. This doesn’t make me bitter or crazy. Really, it’s just based on past experiences. What can I learn from making the same mistake over and over except not to make that mistake? Of course, this is assuming certain decisions/actions are to blame for causing the mistake. Therefore cut those decisions/actions and wah-lah no mistakes, right? And yes, not every relationship has been horrible and I’ve dated more than one worthy guy….. but when it comes to envisioning a relationship, it’s sometimes easier to see the toad than the prince. Which is not completely my fault. Overall, guys are not romantic. They are not waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet. They are not delivering roses or standing outside my window blasting 80s music. Pretty much, Disney lied.

So the question now becomes, not how do I not make the same mistakes by dating the same less than deserving guy, but how do I let myself believe that he might not completely turn into a motherfucker? Or, at the very least, how do I let myself believe, that whatever happens, it was worth it?

It’s not a question about a happily ever after ending. It’s a question of anything less than a horrible ending.

Where’s the balance? Taking it slow. First, do people really do that? Second, I want to follow my feelings! (I want to have feelings.) I don’t want rules dictating how to feel at a certain point of any relationship.

I really feel that it’s more about trusting myself. I’ve never thought that love existed in absolute terms. I always believed that love, as energy, cannot be destroyed. I’ve always valued the journey over the destination. And I always believed it’s better to have loved and lost than to ever have loved at all. Annnnnd really, relationships kinda make me uncomfortable (buuut that might be based more on the fact that I get myself into relationships I don’t want to be in).

Since I was a young adult, I’ve have tried to avoid looking in my life and seeing absences of love, but instead remembering all the love that’s come and gone throughout my life and be happy.

I need to remind myself of this. And recalculate cost & benefits, placing a heavier emphasis on the value of the potential outcome.

Maybe that’s where my new journey begins. I’ve loved and lost before. And I’ve always believed that that love, as short or long as it lasted, should be able to carry me through life. It’s shouldn’t be about the fact that the relationship ended, or how it ended, but the excitement and feelings that entrapped your senses and allowed you to be vulnerable, melt with and explode beside this person.

For me, it’s not about finding a soul mate or even a life partner. It’s about maximizing beautifully-filled, love-inspired experiences. It’s about feeling. Letting yourself drop into the blissfulness of infatuation with life. To experience the joy of living best by letting the universe envelope you in love’s ecstasy. To be love’s naïve teenager. Let’s be less thought full. Let’s be more artistic.

“The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.” -Vincent van Gogh

**I feel like it’s necessary to place a disclaimer about my use of the word love. It’s not used enough in life. I have many loves. And I believe in a sense, throwing the word around, telling people you care about and are grateful for in your life that you love them. Maybe the fact that I’ve been referred to as hippie when it comes to love explains it best. (But let’s be adults people, I’m not talking about orgies or unprotected drugged up sex.)

xoxo